Is "Mercy Sex" Such a Bad Thing?

Key points

• Long-term partners rarely want the same amount of sex at exactly the same times.
• "Mercy sex" doesn't have to mean intercourse, and it doesn't have to mean unwanted sex.
• A sexual gift can be loving when it is freely chosen and given openly.
• If we stop meeting intimate needs, technology is poised to do that for us.

Source: Dean Drobot/Shutterstock

I've been thinking about the term "mercy sex." It's not a very appealing phrase. It sounds like someone reluctantly giving in, perhaps rolling their eyes and waiting for it to be over. People bring up mercy sex in my therapy room pretty regularly. They tell me they don't want to give mercy sex, and they don't want to receive it, either. Of course, nobody wants sex that feels dutiful, resentful, or emotionally absent. But there is also something idealistic about the expectation that two people, particularly two people who have been together for years, will want the same amount of sex at the same times. In fact, usually, they won't.

Think about all the other things we do for people we love that we don't particularly feel like doing. We go to family gatherings, load the dishwasher, give back rubs, run errands, walk the dog, and sit through a television show we would never choose ourselves. Generally, we see these things as part of loving someone. We even admire people who are willing to put their own preferences aside occasionally because something matters to their partner.

Why Is Sex Different?

Then we get to sex, and suddenly the rules seem to change. We seem to have developed an idea that healthy sex should begin only with both people independently wanting it, at the same time and with roughly the same enthusiasm. But why should that always be the standard?

I'm not talking about sex that feels painful, intrusive, or coercive. I'm talking about something much more ordinary. One person is sexually interested. The other is not particularly turned on at that moment, but loves their partner and wants to give them something that matters to them.

And that "something" doesn't have to be intercourse. It could be holding them while they pleasure themselves, adding a happy ending to a massage, or reading something erotic to them. There are many ways to participate in a partner's sexual experience without pretending that you happen to be feeling exactly what they are feeling. This is where I think we lose an important distinction. Sometimes we may not want sex itself, but we may very much want to give something loving to our partner.

If we remove that kind of sexual generosity from long-term relationships entirely, many couples are simply going to have a lot less sex. Desire discrepancy is common. Two people are unlikely to maintain identical levels of desire across years or decades, through stress, illness, aging, children, hormonal changes, work, grief, and everything else life brings. If sexual contact can only happen when desire lines up perfectly, plenty of couples will be waiting a very long time for intimate connection.

What Matters Is How It's Given

Anyone who has ever received a gift begrudgingly knows that it doesn't feel like much of a gift. The same thing is true sexually. "Fine, if I have to" feels very different from, "I'm not especially into it tonight, but I love you and I'd really like to make you feel good."

That difference is essential. Mercy sex, if we even want to call it that, only works when the giver genuinely likes caring for their partner. They may not particularly want the sexual act itself, but they enjoy making their partner feel loved, wanted, soothed, and cared for. There has to be warmth in the giving. If the giver feels used, resentful, or coerced, then we are talking about something very different.

I prefer the term sexual gift. A sexual gift is freely chosen. It does not require someone to override their own boundaries. It can take many forms. And most importantly, it is offered with an open heart.

Receiving matters too. If your partner gives you something sexual because they know it is meaningful to you, perhaps the appropriate response is more along the lines of gratitude than guilt. We accept generosity from the people we love in all sorts of other aspects of life. Why should sex be uniquely exempt? For some people, sexual connection is one of the primary ways they experience closeness. At the same time, their partner may simply have less interest in sex. That does not automatically make either person wrong. But it does mean they have something important to negotiate.

And Then There Is AI

There's another reason this conversation matters now. The less willing human partners become to meet one another's emotional and sexual needs, the more technology will be waiting to meet those needs instead. AI will not mind that you want more attention or more reassurance. And, increasingly, it won't mind that you want more sexual engagement.

Sex Essential Reads

Great Sexpectations: The Science of Good Sex

When Sex Happens During Sleep: How Sexsomnia Affects Couples

None of this means anyone should override their own boundaries or engage sexually when doing so feels wrong. But perhaps we should be careful about defining healthy intimacy so narrowly that generosity itself starts to look suspect. Sometimes loving someone means wanting what they want, simply because you love them.